 Stu Two Wooooowwwwww!!! I'm having, like, the most amaaaazzzzzing dream, it's so cooool! It starts in the Big Brother house, and I'm just, like, chillin', and Dan comes over to me in his dressing gown - but then he takes down the hood, and it's not Dan! It's the main man, the Death Dude, the Grim Reaper! He says "Stuart, you must come with me" and I'm like, "Woooaaahhh", and I'm trying to get away from him, and I get up on the beds and start jumping up and down, and, like, wherever I go, he watches me, and I'm, like, 'this feels familiar' but I can't think why..... Suddenly, we're in the middle of a desert, just me and the Death Dude, and he's holding this big metal thing (I don't know what it is, it wasn't in my exams). And he says "Stuart, your time has come, the big brother house burnt down while you were sleeping, and all the housemates are dead". I'm, like, mega shocked, and I say "Noooooo!! jeepers creepers!!". "Yes, Stuart, you are dead. That's why I am here", he says, and I just stare at him with a vacant look on my face. He doesn't seem to notice this though, and carries on as normal. We walk through the desert for, like, thirty minutes, and then I say to him "So...am I dead then? I don't really understand...". He turns to me with, like, a funny look on his face and says "Yes Stuart, why else would I be here? It's not like I've travelled from a future where people live by your mantra of 'be, like, mega excellent to each other', bringing an end to war and putting me out of business, is it?" He grabs my hand and pulls me along after him (that seems familiar too, I wish I could think why?) I'm, like, following Death Dude, and I'm kinda thinking about how sad it is that the housemates are dead, and trying to remember their names, and all of a sudden, we're not in the desert any more, we're on a boat in the middle of the sea, with sharks circling it! Cool! We sail off, and I'm, like, thinking about how I could end world hunger, by, like, draining the sea (I'm really clever - I don't know if I've told you, but I've got 4 A Levels, I'm probably the most intelligent person you'll ever meet). After about an hour, I suddenly remember what The Dude of Death (cool name!) said earlier, and I realise that he's lying! "Hey, Dude! I'm not really dead am I? You're, like, a future Death, and you're trying to fool me, aren't you?" He looks really shocked, like he didn't think I'd figure it out or something. I remember my Team Handsome ring, and I raise my hand in the air, holding my ring to the sun. "By the power of Team Handsome, I will destroy you, Dude of Death!", I shout. He starts to shrink, getting smaller and smaller, till my little cowboy hat would fit him. And then, quick as anything, I'm back in the house again! It's not burnt down! And my hat is back, aaaawwesoooome! This is the best dream ever - I think I'll put on the hat and play with the hoses for a while, then I might check if the other dudes are okay.
Tiagra, King of the Jungle
We begin with a scene which looks remarkably like the studio set of an old jungle movie - tall fake trees are interspersed with plastic foliage, and vine ropes swing from on high. Piped sounds of bird song, monkey cries and a generic rustling noise permeate the air. From stage left, a peculiar creature emerges; the figure appears to be human, but walks hunched over, emitting growling noises, and wears some fake animal fabric sarong style. Could this be the mythical Tiagra?
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